Monday, December 20, 2010

Been Gone Awhile

For those who read my blog, I'm sorry that I've not been able to blog lately. We've been super busy. We went to Alabama and then Florida to visit with my grandparents. When in Alabama, my papa informed me (yet again, like he does every time he sees me) how disappointed in me he is. How I need to dump the "loser" I am with. (he didn't bother asking about Shawn. He just assumed that because of my history with men, that Shawn's a loser, and would not let me explain anything about him). He told me I need to focus on the babies, and stop worrying about my self. I've made arrangements with a school financial councilor to see about getting into school for my RN. Shawn is trying to get a house big enough for all of us. He wants to help me get through school, and get a good job. Then he wants to go back to school himself. He wants to take care of us. He wants to be a family with me, my kids, and his kids. These things are what I want for all of us. I am putting all of our kids first.... But I get off of the subject I started on. Papa's informed me that I need to dump the "looser", and that "your not ugly, your extremely over weight, and have an okay personality. But after you get through school, and take care of your kids, then you can find some one."
We then went to Florida to visit my Gramma. Mom and I have talked it over. We don't think she'll make it past the 6 month mark, a year at the most. Which is her own doing. She started getting sick last year, then refused to go to the doctor. And is STILL refusing to do so. While we were there she went through her jewelery separating what she wants us to have now, and then later. As well as what furniture goes where, and the stories behind the heirlooms. I am sad to think that my Gramma will pass away. But she has lived a long, full, happy life. I love my Gramma, and will miss her so much. I'm sorry that she won't get to see the babies grow up. Or see me getting married, or see the babies that will be born after the marriage.

I've not seen Shawn since the last weekend in November. I miss him so terribly much, and he's only 3 hours away. I don't have insurance on my blazer, and the tags have now expired. As well as it seems to have sprung an oil leak and is way over due for an oil change. All I've asked for Giftmas is the insurance so I can get my tag taken care of, and enough gas money to get me up to Shawn as well as the money for the tolls. But knowing my family I won't get it. I'll be lucky to get a coffee mug. At least they are buying presents for the babies. Being as I can't even do that.
I'm feeling very useless lately, and can't seem to get out of this funk. I feel lost, scared, and alone. All I want is my Shawn. I miss his arms around me. Him playing with my hair. Touching and playing with his hair. Wrapping my arms around him. I miss how he interacts with my kids. They think of him as Daddy. He's the one and only Daddy in their lives, and he's the only one I want there for them. He's perfect. I miss him so!